Famed super hero Iron Man has just released a statement to the public stating that he is sick and tired of being called a “Second String” super hero in reviews for his new film.
“Seriously,” he was quoted as saying. “That shit is just not cool. I was an Avenger when Spider-Man was just a whiny teenager. Hell, I LED the Avengers for awhile! And don’t forget who was a father figure to that wall crawler? That right, baby, ME! I built him a suit and everything. And has Tobey McGuire ever won an Academy Award? Or Kirsten Dunst? No way. Look at my movie. Robert Downey Jr? Oscar. Gwyneth Paltrow? Oscar. That’s what I am talking about. I can’t even think of another Oscar award winning superhero ever!”
When reporters brought up Nick Cage and Ben Affleck Iron Man grew defensive. “Seriously? Nick Cage? Have you seen what he has been making recently? I mean The Wicker Man? What the fuck was that? And Affleck? That was for writing a touchy-feely screenplay about growing up and hugging your friend and shit, right? Some super hero.”
Iron Man also hastened to point out that his film had grossed $100 Million over it’s opening weekend. “As much as Daredevil made in it’s entire run!” he shouted. “And almost as much as Ghost Rider! I’ll rule them all! Except that little pissant Spider. Man, I HATE that kid.” Iron Man was eventually led away by The Incredible Hulk, who was holding up a sign that read “June 13th, 2008.”
As I was sweeping the kitchen floor today, I had a sudden realization. I currently make around the same salary as the Avengers did, circa 1985.
Let me explain. Back when I was a somewhat nerdy child, there was nothing I loved more than Spider-Man. I couldn’t get enough of him – he is still my all-time favorite superhero, and I am currently indoctrinating my children to be fans of Spider-man as well. Tonight, for no discernible reason, I remembered a particular storyline that had Spider-man down on his luck and looking to join a superhero team to make the rent. One of the teams he approached was the Avengers, but he was quickly shown the door.
Captain America, the leader of the Avengers at that time, happened to mention to Spidey how much being a member of the Avengers paid. I remember thinking at the time that they must have been super rich to make that kind of money!
Today, I realized that I am making Avengers money. Roughly speaking, not accounting for inflation, or exchange rates, I make around the figure that Captain America mentions. And let me tell you, I am really not rich. I seriously hope that they had tax free status, or could at least write off things like their costumes and wear and tear on their vehicles as business expenses. I mean, the Hulk would have gone through his salary on new pants in a week! I really hope he got a per diam.
So, there you have it. I am making Avengers money now, like a grown up. I wonder how I can make Iron Man money? Because he had all the toys.